Thursday, February 3, 2011

Take Your Lap Dance and Shove It...

I have a deep, sincere hatred of strip clubs.

To be completely forthright, I have slummed within the lowest, paltry realms of Warehouse strip shacks and mingled amongst classy nudes and 'refined' gentlemen where each drink matches the price of a dance ($$$, in other words). These escapades were at the outer core of a rebellious fervor beset upon my late teen years and early twenties.

My experiences were no different than most men who tread into the universal staples of Adults Only Venues. Patrons are greeted with dark, blotchy red carpeting, cheap rope lights gliding along the walls, and rows of what can only be described as misplaced spotless mirrors that bounce the impending sin from one side of the hallway to the other.

Tawdry, yet enticing decorations beckon you towards a mammoth basement style room, headlined with a stage pierced with multiple poles. Nearly naked women hoping to capitalize on a rush of chauvinistic adrenaline rendering males blind to reality, thrust themselves onstage and sweep empty flirtations across the floor.

For some, the peer pressure coupled with an inescapable aura of feminine mind-control is too much and the twenty dollar bills emerge from pockets like an ATM machine.

For others, the performance resembles more of a 'house-of-horrors' perpetuating rapidly growing feelings of discomfort and shame.

Why are all these women naked?
What if my relatives see me here?
What would my mother think?

Undoubtedly, these questions have flowed through every guy at some point while partaking in this 'right of passage'-- However, it is not the shame nor the ridiculous amounts of money that cause me to detest these dens of dirt.

I hate strip clubs because they are insulting.

They are insulting to me, and should be insulting to every man who encounters their jaded presence along our streets.

What message do these venues echo throughout our society?

That a man is not good enough to find a woman on his own.

So, screw you! I am NOT paying to have a woman grind on my clothed groin for any amount of money. I am better than that.

What magical, golden gift can a stripper possibly possess that entitles her to my money for a service that really provides ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me?!

Brothers, refuse!! Hell, I say, if you wanna play this game, let's go there!!

From a pure physiological point of view, the woman has the potential to gain more pleasure from her lap-dance than we do, in fact, the dancee is actually acting as the stage for the strippers enjoyment, she should pay him.

And, the more I think about it... men are doing HER a favor, choosing her over all the other girls in the candy shop acts, without hesitation, as a boost to her place in the pecking order of the cool lunch table.

Now, if your friends insist on stealing you away to one of these bro-tastic establishments, I implore you to make this commitment; Tell any inquiring stripper that, you will NOT act as her 'play-toy' for anything less than a drink (I am not responsible for the ensuing bouncer battle)!

Stand your ground! Strip clubs are NOT your friend, you are better than them. Do not allow the perceived appeal of superficial love/lust coupled with cheap perfume to cloud your ability of remembering WHO YOU ARE!

-----Note: My aforementioned sentiment should not imply that women lack a right to a very similar argument... I chose to focus on a position that my gender allows me to relate to...


  1. i entertain your entry, but it's flawed. and insulting, but moreover, flawed.

    i am a woman. i am attracted to and sleep with both women and men. the ratio, historically, has been about 2:1, respectively. i began sleeping with women at the age of 14, men at 20. i have only had serious relationships with women. what this background establishes, loathe though i am to feel it has to be established at all, that i am "really" attracted to women. thus, when i am a consumer at a strip club, i am there, generally speaking, in the same capacity as a man who is attracted to women. i am buying the same product for the same purpose.

    i don't frequent strip clubs anymore, and haven't really since becoming a parent, which only has to do with the fact that i cannot justify spending money on dances when i have a kid i need to feed and clothe and shelter. prior to becoming a parent, including during my pregnancy, i often went to strip clubs in downtown minneapolis.

    when you assert that the existence of strip clubs is insulting to men because the implication is that men cannot get women without paying cash money, i am led to wonder if men are far stupider than i had previously considered. i have never equated paying either at the rail or for a private dance with "getting" a girl. i am paying for a service. the service is being preformed by a professional. i certainly do not equate hiring a plumber or having my hair cut in a salon with "getting" a romantic relationship. confusing the services provided by sex workers with authentic sex based on mutual attraction and/or love is confusing apples with oranges.

    also, i would not expect a stylist working in a salon to pay me for the privilege of touching and working with my hair. if they told me that they enjoyed working as a stylist, i would still not expect payment for getting my hair did. would you? should every professional who enjoys their occupation expect to pay their clients?

  2. in the capacity of having worked as a sex worker, having dated sex workers, and having many friends who are or have been sex workers, let me be clear: it's a job. it is not unlike most other jobs. some days it's fine, somedays it sucks. believe me, on the day before a female-bodied sex worker gets their period, when they are bloated and crampy and emotional and cranky, being a sex worker is a sucky gig. and the day after, when they get their period and are bleeding like a stuck pig and they still have to get on stage, tampon string shoved into their vagina, hoping they don't humiliate themself? then it sucks more. when they're nursing a baby and sometimes breast milk leaks out of their nipples for no apparent reason, being a sex worker sucks. when they have to cover the stretch marks on their abdomen, which occurred as a result of their pregnancy, with expensive make up which they pay for out of pocket, being a sex worker sucks. being a sex worker also sucks when you're running late, when the roads are shitty, when you're tired and/or sick and don't want to go to work, when your kids cry because they don't want you to go to work and you have to go anyway, when you have to decline an invitation to go out with friends, when your work clothes are dirty, or for a million other reasons that can be applied pretty much across the board when it comes to jobs and why they sometimes suck.

    and sometimes it's fine. sometimes you go to work rested and prepared, you do your job, you get paid, and you come home, and they are no complications. just like any other job.

    there's no mystique or glamor to it, though. sex workers are not generally on power trips. true, they may be aware of areas in which they are highly skilled, and they may have confidence in skills they have spent a lot of time and energy developing. the same could be said for surgeons.

    sex workers are not, as a rule, cocky about their skills, however. in terms of dancers specifically: i have never agreed to dance for or on a person i am actually involved with, even though i have done it for pay. none of the dancers i have dated has ever agreed to or been at all interested in dancing for or on me. i have *bought* private dances from friends, at their place of employment, who are not my sexual partners, but i have never received a free dance, lap or otherwise, from a friend of mine who is employed as a dancer. additionally, out in the club on saturday night, dancer friends are the least likely in my crowd to get out on the floor and shake booty. they are the most likely to sit back with a drink and enjoy the fact that they don't have to.

    in short, i'm sorry to burst your bubble, but if a woman is getting anything out of dancing for you other than a pay check, and that's a big if, it is similar to what a cashier at the grocery gets out of ringing up a customer who makes pleasant conversation and has enough money to pay for all their wares. if you don't feel you get a bang for your buck when you spend that buck in a strip club, by all means, abstain. but don't criminalize people for doing their job and earning a living. target has sketchy politics that upset some consumers, but it would be unfair and nonsensical to blame the folks at the cash registers, or to claim that they are using "mind control" methods to get you to do something you don't want to do. they're just trying to put food on the table.